Memoirs of Sazha Star. Stefany. Skitzo.

She fought her tears,

grinned her teeth.

My heart is falling apart. She thought.

Years of pain,

left in vain and now I have nothing.

I hate how you did this to me

I hate how I became yours

and all the little bit of nothing you’ve given me.

“I’m sorry.”

How Ive heard that more than I love you.

“Fuck you.”

More than the kisses I’ve been given.

And I sat there and loved you.

You were the one that roughed up my skin.

Your slowly taking me apart,

while im thinking of all youve done,

I feel so sick to my stomach.

You make me sick.

I’m fighting for something I can never have…

Love.

I know you swear you’re different now,

but you’ll always be the same.

Pain.

-Skitzo

im empty…

no cloud 9…

no space life…

no dream world..

just sobriety…

lost

loney

out

of

weed

me.

A Half sack and some Blunt wraps.

Precious.

I am unloveable.

Ripped to shreads,

the shirt clung to my hips…

Rain drops smack my face.

Blurred images, Nightmares.

Innocence stolen.

Too drunk to remember.

Grasping hands.

Help me.

Blackout.

Someones missing.

Where is she?

Back in the woods where he left me.

Rage gave birth and made me.

Broken little Stef-an-y

-Skitzo

“Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU!”

She screamed at the mirror.

Make up smudged against

that metallic crystal.

Anger pulsing through her veins.

Tears forcing through her eyes.

Miserable, pathetic, little girl,

a waste in her eyes.

Fuck you.

Skitzo

When left alone I go back to my roots and play the sad love songs these hispanic men sing. Sometimes I dance alone, sometimes I cry, Most of the time I remember my dad, But overall I’ve fallen in love with thier meanings. I can Just feel the words gliding over me, through me, inside of me… It’s a world all my own. I can’t expect anyone to understand me or why I do the things I do. As a matter of fact I dont care if anyone understands. I can close my eyes and bounce to the rythem, slowly move my feet, it’s like I can pursue my dreams all on my own. It’s almost as if my heart is doing ballet in my heart. and I’m left alone again ….

So I kinda have this crappy but easy job now… (Dont ask you wont get it out of me) which requires me to talk to customers all day long. -_-…. So I talk about what I know and love best, New York. The Infamous question gets thrown out like a dagger to a wall and then I’m in the spotlight…

Customer: “So Where are you from?”

Me: New York

Customer: …mouth drops… “For REAL?! How is it?”

Me: Love it

Customer: “Must be a change living out in Washington huh? So how you like it here?”

Me: “uhh…(Thinks about the assault charges I got for throwing a dog treat and spanking my husbands bottom… 3 arrests in 2 months all bogus charges) …HATE IT

Customer: Damn that bad huh?

Me: Smiles…”You have no Idea”

Customer: “So what Nationallity are you?’

Me: -rolls eyes in mind but maintaining a smile- “Puerto Rican, Ecuadorian and Spanish.”

Customer: “Puerto Rican huh? You were born there?

Me: “No, I was born in Brooklyn” (HELLO IM FROM NEW YORK)

Customer: “It seems ALL Puerto Ricans are from Brooklyn”

Me: “No just the East Side of America it seems” (There are mostly Mexicans out here)

At this point I just want to slap this person with the product I am selling.

But anyways After a few conversations ALL like the one above, I am now known as New York at work. No Longer Stefany, Sazha star, Skitzo, I’m just NEW YORK. And Let me TELL YOU I LOVE MY MUTHA FUCKING CITY! ;)

-Stefany

My heart is plumeting

with aches and pains

from past mistakes

its all I seem to gain

nightmares returning

from thier dark corners

my mouth was silent

but now I murmer

late nights

futile memories

desperate

longing

wont

you

forget

me?

Little Skeptical Me

As far as the eye can see

Left wandering below a tree

Wondering about you and me

Little Insecure Girl

holding onto to a string

Dangling from the world

losing all feeling

Swing batter swing

abuse the innocent

I’ve watched how youve lied

so watch these tearing eyes

Little Pathetic me

I found while in a dream

scream baby scream

not everythings what it seems

Little poor you

I dont feel bad for you

Youve watched me suffer

now this time ill watch you

-Sazha

So Lately I’ve been Working on my knitting skills. I opened a shop online to sell my designs! YAY! I hope you all support me! xoxox <3

I’m sorry for the hurt and pain I have brought you. The abuse I let you tolerate. I apologize for the pride that was taken from you as you now hold your head down. I know your embarrassed, violated, and hurt, but I will stay strong for you.

Dearest sinner within,
I have lied and cheated myself. Let you take control of me, oh how I watched you take control of me. I’ve done things I would’ve never done. I’ve said things I would’ve never said. I took forgiveness away from me and became bitter and empty. I’ve hurt them worse than they have hurt me. I watched them suffer as my heart is dying. I pleaded with you to go away but you pushed me down just so you could stay. “They deserve the wrath, they deserve your fury.” I put distance between myself and love I buried…
Sincerely,
Skitzo,Sazha

I’m stuck behind love blind eyes, a battle always in my mind. Which way to go? When to decide? I’ve given a lot of thought to the choices I’ve made. I played the cards that I been dealt. The places I’ve been, oh the places I’ve gone. I wish they would understand, when I play my love songs. I’ve been lonely, I’ve been so cold. Why can’t you see? When will you realize? I’m sitting in this bitter sweet paradise. I’m waiting for you to wipe the tears from my eyes and when you do find the kisses so sweet, I promise you that you’ll always think of me.
Love always Stefany